Ineffable
by mysticxf
Summary: The Shephard household receives an unlikely visitor.


Lost belongs to JJ Abrams and crew, borrowing for some non-profit fun. The Shephard household receives an unlikely visitor. Sequel to Incarceration & Interim. Enjoy!

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Lost – Ineffable  
By Mystic  
June 15th 2005

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Kate heard the doorbell first. She always did. It was a mothering instinct, to hear over the ruckus and find the noises no one else heard. She glanced up towards the door, her knife in mid slice and she sighed. Giving one hard look towards the room where she could see a pair of legs hanging out for just a second before they were yanked back in with a squeak, she put down the knife and covered the peanut butter and jelly containers knowing her kids could make a mess in the blink of an eye. Taking a step towards the front door, she stopped, shoving the knife into the sink. What they couldn't reach couldn't hurt them.

Grabbing a rag next to the kitchen sink, she rubbed her hands clean, making her way through the living room. Kate stepped around an assortment of bright toys on her way towards the front door. "Maggie! I told you to pick up out here!"

"In a minute, mom!" Came the reply.

"Don't hurt yourself," she called back, swinging the door open with a laugh. Turning, her breath caught in her throat before she exclaimed, "Sawyer."

He didn't smile, just stood there looking dumbfounded. He looked at the way her hair was loose and clean, falling in bouncy waves over her shoulders – shorter than she'd had it before. Sawyer could see her blush behind make-up he was unaccustomed to seeing on her and he took in her clean white blouse, blue jeans and flip flops. "They fixed me," he told her quickly, holding out his hands, as if defending himself.

Kate swallowed hard. "Jack told me." She felt her heart hammering in her chest as she took a long breath and smiled. Kate had to remind herself he wasn't infected anymore; that Sawyer wouldn't hurt her anymore, but she'd never expected him to show up at her front doorstep. "Come on in, Sawyer." She stood aside, watching him walk past her into her living room.

"You and Doc doing well?" He asked, surveying the house. Sawyer could see a wedding picture sitting on a bookshelf. He looked away from the smiling faces and was met with another snapshot of Kate and Jack at what looked like Disneyland. She was sitting between his legs, pressed against his chest and they were laughing. He stepped on a toy that squeaked loudly and he jumped, making her smile. Sawyer reached down and picked up the bright yellow and orange ball and watched it inflate itself as he raised an eyebrow.

Kate took it from him. "They like throwing them at each other." She gave it another squeak and looked away, her grin fading. Kate shouted, "MAGGIE!" sounding annoyed as she massaged the ball in her hand.

The little girl came running into the room and glanced up at Sawyer, her eyes darkening as she came to a stop and took a step backwards. Kate watched as she looked from the man to her and back again, as if trying to assess the situation. The girl chose to run back into the room and Kate turned to see Sawyer rub at the stubble on his chin. "Wow, it been that long?" She could hear the guilt on the man's voice.

"She turned ten last month," Kate informed him, upset with him for not remembering.

"Jack didn't tell her I was better, did he?" Sawyer asked. Kate shook her head, her eyes finding a random spot on the wall. "She probably thinks I'm a monster."

Kate lowered her head, letting waves fall into her face. "Didn't think you'd show up here."

"I had to see him." Sawyer told her plainly.

"He's not home," Kate spat, more harshly than she'd intended to.

Sawyer crossed his arms over his chest and growled, "Not Jack."

Kate heard Maggie give a shout and then heard a set of small feet come bounding into the room. Sawyer raised his head and saw the dark haired toddler with the bright green eyes who stared up at him with a grin on his face and jelly down his Batman shirt. "Oh," Kate muttered, lifting him into the air and taking him into the kitchen. She stripped his shirt off and grabbed a handful of napkins, wetting them in the sink and wiping off his neck. "Where did you get jelly?"

"From my sandwich," he told her indignantly.

"That's Jack's," Sawyer told her, sounding surprised.

"Momma, sorry, he got away from us…" came a third young voice that made Sawyer jump around.

"How many you got, woman?" Sawyer asked, sounding confused.

Kate just smiled. "Jamie, bring me a shirt, would you? And who gave him a sandwich?"

The other boy shrugged, dirty blonde hair falling into his bluish-grey eyes. "Maggie probably." He looked back up at the man who stared down at him and gave him a look, one Sawyer knew very well. Sawyer watched him stare cautiously, glancing towards his mother before nodding and going back to the room.

"How old's he?" Sawyer asked.

"Five last week." Kate slammed a hand on the table. "Don't you know when any of them were born?"

Sawyer clenched his jaw. "I was a little out of my mind those last few years, or don't you remember, Freckles?"

"Yeah, I remember," Kate said, her hand absently touching her left shoulder.

The little boy in front of her frowned and bowed his head. "That's momma's booboo," he said quietly as Jamie re-entered the room with a plain blue t-shirt. "The bad man did it."

Jamie handed her the shirt. He started to walk away, but Sawyer stopped him, swinging a hand out. He grinned at the boy who raised an eyebrow at him. There was Kate, Sawyer smiled. The boy looked at his mother and Kate grinned back at him. "Mom?"

Kate sighed. "James, why don't you play with Chris and Maggie out in the yard." She placed the little bright eyed boy on the ground. James went into the room to get his older sister, shooting Sawyer an eyeroll before he went.

Approaching him, Kate touched his shoulder tentatively and motioned for him to have a seat at the dining room table. He watched the trio of youngsters pass him and head out into a large yard that had several trees, swings and jungle gyms set up. He watched the blonde boy climb up into a tree to find a Nerf gun he'd hidden there and the older two started a game, running from one another while the toddler chased them.

"That's my son," Sawyer managed as he sat at the head of the table, Kate in the adjacent chair.

Kate remained silent. She watched the way he looked at the children, and then turned away, staring at the table. "Yup, that's your boy," she confirmed, though she knew she didn't need to.

"I have flashes, memories, of what I did." Sawyer watched the toddler fall, watched James stop, raising a hand towards Maggie as he went back to liftthe small boy off the ground. "When did that one happen? Chris? Why in the hell'd you name him Chris?"

Kate coughed nervously. "It was Jack's father's name. He was the product of the celebration that happened after my release."

Sawyer nodded. "I heard you was in jail for a time."

"Yeah."

"Look, I'm sorry for what I did."

"You don't know what you did," Kate told him coldly, feeling herself wanting to laugh.

Sawyer touched his head. "Like I said, Freckles, I get flashes. I don't remember. Obviously…" he pointed at James.

"You attacked me." She took a long breath. "You knocked Maggie unconscious against a tree." Kate licked her lips, her eyes trained on her hands on the table, gripping each other. "You pinned me to the ground with a hunting knife through my shoulder. Jack said I was lucky I lived and luckier still that I recovered with the full use of my arm and hand." She flared her nose and let her eyes find his. "And then you raped me and beat me until... I don't know how many times you… I woke up in the caves a week later with an infection in my shoulder…"

She took a breath and he watched her eyes as her memories flickered through them. Her eyebrows rose and fell with emotions he couldn't comprehend, emotions that were too strong for him to watch. Sawyer felt his eyes burn, his chest tighten, his lips press together taut enough to bleed the color from them. "I was infected. It messed with my head, I didn't mean to…"

"I begged him to kill the baby," Kate admitted, ignoring him. "Every single day I begged him and he never let me out of his sight. Jack was afraid of what I might do. He told the others I was suffering from depression. He lied to them about what happened. Jack was the only one that knew for a long time."

Leaning against the table, Sawyer touched her hand, expecting her to pull back, but she didn't. "That ain't me anymore."

She glanced up at him, sadness replacing the anger. "It was what you wanted, you can't deny that." Kate held his hand, her eyes drifting to the toddler who was crying now, raising his arms towards a tree where his older siblings were climbing. "He was born and he was beautiful and I loved him. We love him. Jack and I."

Sawyer watched her stand. "Wait," he called as she started towards the back.

Kate stopped and motioned. "My baby's crying, Sawyer."

He nodded, watching her cross the space of the dining room and family room as she pulled open the sliding glass door. Kate picked the child up and smiled for him through her pain, wiping his tears with her fingers and nuzzling his face with her nose. She seemed to inhale him, whispering to him as he grinned, pressing her cheeks with his small hands.

He wondered if she'd been like that with his son. He suddenly wondered how Jack was with his son. Sawyer imagined the man would have taught him to play golf, given him books on anatomy instead of the Playboys he probably would have come home with. The boy was only five, he reminded himself. He shook his head, pressing his thoughts back into their proper place in the darkness and saw the older two stop and start shouting down. Kate shouted back up looking upset with them. Sawyer smiled, but stopped, hearing a key turn in the doorknob.

"Babe, did you know there was an old truck parked in the…" Jack stopped, seeing him sitting there. Sawyer stood, not quite sure what he should say. "Sawyer," Jack said simply.

Sawyer could read the fire on his eyes and he bowed his head, gesturing towards the yard where Kate was now pointing at the duo in the trees and then to the little one she held. "Looks like the kid was crying 'cause the older two were up in the trees without him."

Jack nodded, expressionless now. "They fight all the time about that. Forget Chris is a toddler." Jack came over and put his briefcase on the table between them, shrugging off his jacket and placing it on a chair. "It's how Jamie learned to climb trees – Maggie leaving him on the ground."

Sawyer pressed his lips together and gave a short nod. "I just came to apologize." He lied.

Jack shook his head and laughed. "You came to see Kate and James." Off Sawyer's shocked expression, he responded, "I've learned to read through your bullshit, Sawyer."

"Ain't bullshit Doc," Sawyer growled back.

Pressing his hands into his waist, Jack stared up at the high ceiling. "Look, Sawyer, I get that what happened on the island was a result of this infection, this delusional state you were in, but that doesn't change the fact that you almost killed them. Even Ethan kept Claire safe when he had her." Jack took a long breath. "You have no idea what she's been through. Do you know what happened to her? Why she was on the run?"

Lowering his head, Sawyer jammed his hands in his pocket. "I read about her in the paper. Her book's short on details though," he added.

Shaking his head, Jack smiled. "And you went and stirred it all up again. She was a wreck afterwards, for months. She cried all day; had nightmares all night." Jack bit his lip. "She tried to kill herself, Sawyer."

"It wasn't my fault," Sawyer raised a hand, pleading with the man. "How was I supposed to know what was done to her as a kid. You think I just walked through the jungle planning on attacking her."

"Locke was infected, he never touched her. He had Maggie in his arms and he sent her back to the caves. You remember that, don't you?"

Sawyer nodded his head. "I also remember Freckles putting a knife through that man's head from twenty yards away. You ain't afraid of that, are you, Doc?"

Jack raised a hand. "I don't want you anywhere around James. He's my son, Sawyer."

Sawyer flared his nose and looked towards a wall full of pictures. Jack's vision followed – the first steps, the first haircut, the first black eye – and the image of the little blonde boy hanging off Jack's arm in the yard, both of them dripping with water from a sprinkler nearby. Closing his eyes, Sawyer took a long breath and opened them, glancing at Jack. "He's happy?" Jack nodded his head. "I don't want to take him from you," Sawyer told him.

"You won't," Jack answered sharply.

He tried to smile, but he failed. "Tell me you're teaching him 'bout baseball."

Jack nodded. "We take them camping every other weekend."

Sawyer's head bobbed slowly. "He's a good boy?"

"Most of the time," Jack responded, his stance relaxing. "Got a rebellious streak, can't figure out which of you he gets it from."

Raising his head, Sawyer could almost detect a smile on the other man. "Jack, I know what's best for him. I won't get in the way."

Kate entered, holding James by his left arm, both looked flustered. "Hey dad," James grunted.

"In trouble again?" Jack asked the boy, a chuckle escaping his lips.

James shrugged and rolled his eyes up at his mother.

Kate shook her head and went past Sawyer into her bedroom with the boy, letting him go just before slamming the door. James jumped and took a step away from his mother, swallowing hard. He listened as the front door also connected with its frame with deadly force.

Outside of the bedroom, Jack glanced towards the back bedroom and then at the sliding glass door where Maggie was making faces, holding Chris to the glass to do the same. Jack lowered his eyebrows and wagged a finger, wrinkling his nose. The little boy giggled and Maggie shook her head. Jack sighed, hearing the old truck start up and screech out of their driveway. He moved slowly towards the back glass door, where Maggie was helping Chris up onto a bright red slide.

James heard a squeak emerge from his mother and his eyes flew back to land on her, surprised. The woman's forceful expression had changed, softened, and she broke in front of him. He'd never seen her cry. Her shoulders jumped and her face contorted and she put a hand up to the door, balancing herself. He took a step towards her, touching the edge of her blouse with his fingers before sliding his arms around her waist.

"I won't do it again," he promised, his bottom lip trembling.

Kate looked down at the child, smoothing his hair back from his face, which was growing red, hiding the splattering of freckles he'd inherited from her. She smiled and shook her head. "No baby, I'm not mad at you."

"That was him, wasn't it?" James asked, pressing his cheek to her stomach.

"Who?" Kate asked, curiously.

"My real father," the boy answered, not looking up at her.

"Where did you hear that?" Kate asked, almost inaudibly.

He smelled her blouse and closed his eyes. "Maggie got mad when I tried to read her diary and told me I wasn't her brother, that I came from the bad man. She said he'd come one day and take me away back to the island." The boy bit his bottom lip. "I'm lying mom."

"I know," Kate replied, lifting him off the floor.

"How do you know?"

She smiled, wiping at her cheeks with her free hand as she sat on the bed with him. "I used to lie all the time. It doesn't get you anywhere. What do you know about that man?"

"What I heard dad tell Uncle Charlie on the phone."

"Jack is your father."

James smiled at her and shook his head, shrugging his shoulders. "I know that, momma." He hesitated and she touched his chin, raising his eyes to meet hers, giving him a nod so he'd say what he was afraid to say. "Am I gonna be mean like him when I grow up?"

Kate shook her head, lowering her eyebrows. "He was sick when he hurt me." She hugged him, rocking gently at the edge of the bed until his eyelids grew heavy and she could cry without him seeing.

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Finis 


End file.
